4 Surprising Ways to Break the Ice

During those first few dates, you’re likely to find yourself with a man who is more nervous – and tongue tied – than you are.  Here are five different ways to break the ice, open his heart, and start the spark of romance.

First dates are our chance to create an initial connection with a man, and see if we are a good fit. We trot out our best stories and questions to make a great first impression, and we avoid uncomfortable silence at all costs.
But these strategies aren’t real ways to start a connection with a man. In fact, they feel more like an interview than a romantic experience.  If you really want to get the conversation flowing, focus instead on connecting to his heart by being vulnerable and authentic.  Here’s how.
TIP  #1: ASK HIM ABOUT A PERSONAL DETAIL
Rather than asking him about his job or where he lives, ask him about a personal detail that opens the door to unusual conversation. It’s a great way to find out more about him and let him know you’re interested.
So say something about his class ring or the shoes he’s wearing.  Chances are, there’s a story there; and he’ll welcome the opportunity to share it. It will feel more spontaneous and refreshing, because it isn’t the same old conversation starter.
TIP #2: ASK HIM TO ASK YOU
A good way to communicate your openness and find out what’s on his mind is to ask him: “Is there anything you’d like to know about me?”
Doing this gives you great insight into his personality.  You’re letting him lead the conversation so he feels you’re open to him, and you’re also learning about what matters to him.  He’ll probably turn it around and ask you to do the same, and this will keep you chatting away. The fact that you’re open to revealing stuff about yourself will also give him the impression that you’re spontaneous and comfortable in your own skin, and this is very attractive.
TIP  #3: ADMIT YOU’RE NERVOUS
It’s normal to think that we have to seem upbeat and at ease on a first date, so we try to cover up our nerves and discomfort. But this just creates an artificial experience between the two of you, and causes you to miss a real opportunity for connection.
One of the quickest ways to put him at ease – and instantly connect with his heart – is to confess what you’re really feeling.  So if you feel nervous, tell him! You can say something like: “You know, I’m feeling really nervous here.  I felt we had a great connection online, and now I’m not sure what to say,”
There’s a good chance he’ll venture that he’s having the same problem, and then you’ll have something in common!  What’s more, the fact that you expressed your true feelings will let him see that he doesn’t have to be a mind reader with you…and it will touch his heart.
TIP  #4: GET COMFORTABLE WITH SILENCE
This tip is the hardest to get used to, but the most powerful.
When people are nervous, they tend to create small talk.  Small talk will help pass the time, but it won’t help you make a heart connection with him, because you’re just sharing facts rather than engaging with him on a more personal level.  So let go of the need to carry the conversation, and challenge yourself to sit with the silence.   Know that you don’t need to speak.
Instead smile, relax your shoulders, and get comfortable.  Just doing this will take the pressure off him, because he’ll feel that you’re okay being in his presence.  He’ll feel accepted, and that’s when he’ll feel safe enough to trust you and relax.  Gradually, you’ll find yourself sharing a true heart to heart.
Much of the pressure from first dates comes from testing to see if we can trust this person enough to start revealing who we are.  But it really works the opposite way.  The more you reveal about yourself and your true feelings, the more he’ll feel comfortable opening up about himself.  If you keep this in mind, you’ll find that your next first date will be much more enjoyable.  You will have learned something meaningful about another person.  Even if you decide it’s not a romantic fit after all, you’ll have also gained valuable practice in how to open yourself up to the right man.

15 Great First Date Questions

There they sit—you could spot them a mile away. A man and woman face each other across a table at a downtown bistro, looking nervous and awkward. No doubt about it, they’re on their first date.

How do we know it’s their first time out together? All the observable and obvious clues: They are nicely groomed—stylish, but not overdone. There is a stiff formality to the way they sit—no slouching. They scan the room, menu, and table setting, only occasionally making eye contact.
Biggest clue of all: The salad course is punctuated by strained silence and forced small talk. The two pick at their dinner salads, staring down at the leafy mound before them. He seems tongue-tied, she seems self-conscious. Finally, one of them tries to grease the wheels of conversation.
Him: How’s your salad?
Her: Good. And yours?
Him: Yeah, really good.
More excruciating silence ensues.
As would-be romances go, this plane is very slow to leave the gate and get onto the runway. It remains to be seen if it will pick up speed, gain altitude, and soar skyward . . . or if it will lose engine power and sit on the tarmac indefinitely.
Do not let this happen to you! It’s true that first dates can be one of the most nerve-wracking, anxiety-producing situations in our society. Sometimes they lead to burning love; sometimes they go down in flames. The key to having a positive experience is relaxed conversation, and that can be helped along with some well-chosen first-date questions. Before we get to those, let’s review a few general guidelines for dating discourse:
Listen as much or more than you talk. Some people consider themselves skilled communicators because they can talk endlessly. But the ability to speak is only one part of the equation—and not the most important part. The best communication occurs with an even and equal exchange between two people. Think of conversation as a tennis match in which the players lob the ball back and forth. Each person gets a turn—and no one hogs the ball.
Peel the onion, don’t stab it with a paring knife. Getting to know someone new is like peeling an onion one thin layer at the time. It’s a slow and safe process. But some people, overeager to get into deep and meaningful conversation, go too far too fast. They ask personal or sensitive questions that put the other person on the defensive. Should the relationship evolve, there will be plenty of time to get into weighty topics. For now, take it easy.
Don’t dump. If feeling inhibited is a problem for some people, others go to the opposite extreme: they use a date as an opportunity to purge and vent. When a person reveals too much too soon, it can give a false sense of intimacy. In reality, premature or exaggerated revelations are due more to boundary issues, unresolved pain, or self-centeredness than true intimacy.
Genuine interest goes a long way. Maybe your first date questions will lead you to discover that this person is your soul mate—or maybe not. Either way, it’s exciting to be able to get to know another human being and get a peek into his or her world. Great communication starts with being genuinely interested in the individual you’re with and paying close attention to what he/she says. The process begins by providing lots of space for the full expression of information and asking follow-up questions to further draw out the one talking.
With those thoughts in mind, now it’s time to think about specific first date questions.
Try these:
1. Who has been the biggest influence in your life?
2. What kinds of things really make you laugh?
3. What’s your favorite place in the entire world?
4. Who is your best friend? What do you like about him/her?
5. Favorite movie of all time? Why so?
6. What’s your biggest goal in life right now?
7. What is your favorite way to spend a Saturday?
8. Do you have any pet peeves?
9. What was your family like growing up?
10. What were you like as a kid?
11. What should I know about you that I’d never think to ask about?
12. Did you—or do you—have a nickname? What’s the story behind it?
13. Who was your favorite schoolteacher or college professor? Why?
14. Have you figured out your calling in life? What is it?
15. What do you hate most about the dating process? (Tell me so I can avoid it!)
See more first date questions we love!
Maybe you’ve got your own great first date questions, surefire winners that get the conversation rolling. If not, use these and come up with others—but by all means, give some forethought to how you’d like a discussion with a new partner to unfold. You’ll give yourself a chance at a magnificent, rather than miserable, first date.